This Woman's Work
Midsummer reflections to the tune of wind chimes.
The sun dapples golden light on the rug in my daughter’s room. The room that used to be my studio. As I sit here on her tiny bed, I remember why I love this room.
I miss the woman I was in this room before the lens through which I work here became mother’s work: nursing, rocking, folding clothes, chasing her around to brush her hair. I used to send $70,000 worth of print files from the same spot a paper bag turned Olaf is now taped to the wall. Never 1 spelling error, not a single 1!, in all of those files, I must add.
I do not regret the life I have now, but I do bereave the woman I used to be sometimes. Grieving her may be necessary to become the woman I am now.
One role is not more important than the other, depending on which day you ask me and at what time. Asking me what role I prefer in the morning may give a different response than when you ask me before bedtime.
Two years ago, it was a given that Mother above all was the only role for me. I made sure my actions reflected my values in that season. As Mother Earth orbits around the sun, seasons change, allowing us to place ourselves. An anchor amongst changing tides.
My anchor was something different when this room was my studio. I’d love to say it was something sexy like my marriage or our travels, but the anchor was my work. Bent over a computer screen until my back hurt and my vision blurred kind of work. I do not recommend it. 0 out of 5 stars.
Ironically, it was just as much hidden work as a mother’s work is. We must tell our stories, lest they go unnoticed.
These early years of Motherhood, I didn’t have the anchor I’ve known for the majority of my life thus far. I was cast out to sea and couldn’t place myself in the vast expanse of blue where you never reach the horizon you seek. I didn’t have the job to anchor me — maybe career isn’t the best choice of anchor.
The tumult and chaos of being lost at sea may be the prerequisite to the woman I want to be.
I have a different anchor now — a feisty blonde who took over my studio! along with her father. My family.
There is a rearrangement taking place. Career, hobbies, wellness, relationships, neighbors, it’s all being reoriented in a way that makes more sense for the season we’re in right now. I don’t seek balance in my life as much as I want to be safe on the rolling waves of a wild body of water.
Quite the seafaring metaphor for a gal who’s never been at sea, but I did endure Lake Michigan’s gales of November on the way to Beaver Island thinking I was going down with that ship. That’s all it took for me to understand.
We discuss the winds of change in a theoretical sense, but when you’re in the throes of it, implementing a response in real-time, theories quickly become hogwash.
You just try to survive, making the best decision you can in the moment so you don’t sink. You find yourself on steady ground — when the sun dapples on the rug in the studio turned nursery, a rare silent moment in the house. For this one glorious moment, you are ok.
So, you continue on.
✌🏼
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On Grandma’s Bookshelf
🦀 It Happened One Summer by Tessa Bailey | This book may be to blame for my sea-heavy lingo. It’s my first Tessa Bailey. Up until last night, I would’ve told you I’m pleasantly suprised I like it. 50% of the way through it’s getting a bit too cheese for me but summer beach reading continues. Nice to end the day with something light!
🧜🏼♀️ Tallulah: Mermaid of the Great Lakes | Read this at bedtime the other night. It’s such a wonderful premise about mermaids & the Great Lakes. My favorite line:
There are mermaids in the ocean
And mermaids in the sea.
But here among the Great Lakes
Is where I’m meant to be.
Me too, Miss Tallulah. Me too.
🖍️ Mommy Burnout by Dr. Sheryl Ziegler | Reading this on my Kindle sporadically. I couldn’t have read this a few years ago; it would’ve made me even more hypervigilant than I already was trying to navigate becoming a Mom. But now, it’s nice in small doses to read stories of Dr. Ziegler’s patients that validate it’s not “all in my head”.
I have observed that today’s moms have fewer close and intimate friendships than in the past,…you must scratch this biological itch. To compensate, I theorize, many moms direct their oxytocin-created urges into “over-tending” to their kids and “under-befriending” with their girlfriends. Women experiencing mommy burnout tend to have imbalanced reactions to their natural stress response.
I was, & still am, working through burnout. Most intriguing to me now is the topic on female friendships Dr. Ziegler is covering — how are your female friendships?
I am so happy you write these letters Emily. Always beautifully crafted and just what I need to hear. 💜